Appendix Appendix Part 1
11.22am. Boardman hauls his creaking frame out of the hospital bed, a bag of his own piss under each arm. He shuffles into the bathroom, forgetting the benefit of a walk-in shower is offset by the uneven flooring. His screams of horror slowly fade away with a few more precious shreds of dignity….
Minutes later he dries his face with a towel whose peculiar odour suggests the previous occupant of his room was fastidious when it came to genital hygiene….
Welcome to my appendix appendix. You’ll note a bit of a delay in posting on here. That’s because I’m dicking about in hospital again! I should have known, my usual zeal for posting had been waning of late, and I've been sleeping during the day. Turns out my kidneys had given up for a bit and my body was slowly filling with toxins. This is day six in hospital, so as a stop gap consider this little detour an apology for the hold up between chapters. I’ve been making some observations during my stay and thought I’d share them….
- It’s possible to get some sleep while an old man sings ‘Three Coins in a Fountain’ for 3 solid hours before impersonating a cockerel at an alarmingly accurate time of day.
- The food hasn’t improved. Check out the hashtag #shitdinnersoninstagram for proof. The password is ‘sorrow’.
- Once four doctors have said ‘tell me again why you were treated with appendicitis in Basildon?’ you’re legally entitled to give them a Chinese burn.
- There are better ways of finding out you’re getting a tube rammed into your kidney than hearing a nurse mention it casually to a Dr at the foot of your bed.
- There’s nothing more alarming than a nurse peering round your door and whispering ‘I know you….I know your face….!’
- Actually, there is, it’s a nurse saying ‘you’ll have to wait for your injection. We’ve run out of needles’.
- Actually, that’s not it, it’s a surgeon shouting ‘this is wrong. Where’s the wire gone?! Why can’t I see the wire?!!?? After putting a wire directly into your left kidney.
- There’s nothing funnier/depressing/more infuriating than a heroin addict self discharging with an empty buggy and a Thomas the Tank Engine towel, but not before losing a sock and a shoe out the window (don’t ask).
- It’s surprisingly refreshing and pleasing to feel your own warm urine suddenly dribbling down your back.
So there you have it. My thrilling week. I’ve got a temporary nephrostomy that is allowing my kidneys to filter the bad stuff out of my wee while a blockage in my urinary system clears. They’ll be putting a tube in my left ureter soon to allow my waterworks to function normally and get me back on the road to recovery. For those whom this makes sense to, I was admitted with a Potassium level of 7, Creatinine of 1266 and EGFR of 4. They tell me this is bad.
See you soon, fans of misery and effluvium! While you wait, maybe swing by this here link too….
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